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“Fabulous-Over-Fifty with multifarious interests wants Independent Minded Gent who likes women more than sport and is prepared to give it a whirl, whatever it turns out to be!”

I don’t know, what do you think? Does it hit the right note? Will it attract the right sort of fellow? I hope it’s not too much to ask in a time of recession. Any man who has managed to hang on to his money must be keeping his eye on the ball so for me, at least, wealth is a pre-requisite.

Looking through the personal ads it seems that every single man describes himself as decent (I should blooming well hope so); honest (like this ad?); genuine (bite him on the leg and make sure for yourself); seeking friendship and maybe more. I’d avoid the hip-hopping jogger wanting an energetic female only slightly more than the self-proclaimed wizard who loves the countryside. Good Lord.

The women are curvy (fat); educated (to what standard, pray?); fun loving (until you cross her); attractive (by whose standards) down to earth (plain, wears an apron – oh gosh, sounds like me); bubbly (gassy?); seeks caring loving male for friendship, maybe more. One lovely lady wanted to meet the man of her dreams but as she failed to describe her night-time fantasies how can anyone know if they fit the bill?!

It being the Irish Times there’s no talk of Men seeking Men, or Women seeking Women but then the wheels of Irish modernity grind exceedingly slow. I heard a wonderful description of a single farmer earlier in the week who might, when he has the time, look for a wife. What type of woman might she be? he was asked. A teacher, he said, I’d like a teacher because teachers get long holidays and she could help with the harvesting in the summer. Hapless woman to find such a charmer but who knows, maybe she’d be the luckiest woman alive out in the fields with a man for all seasons who appreciates her from one end of the year to the next.

N/S (non-smoker) with GSOH (good sense of humour) seems to figure in most of the ads but nowhere does it say D/S (doesn’t snore), CHHD (can hold his/her drink), or even my pet hate if not strictly adhered to, B&F2D (brushes and flosses twice daily). Perhaps my true love and I are destined to pass like ships in the night where ner’e the twain shall meet but come hell or high water I’m going to give it a lash at least once before I have to put BBGG (blond bombshell gone gray) beside HOBP (has own bus pass).